*I think I need professional help!*

Do you ever analyse WHY you can or can't do things on the ice?

If there's a certain element you've struggled with for a long time, do you know if you're struggling because of a physical issue (e.g. legs not strong enough / back not flexible enough), a psychological issue (e.g. fear of falling / fear of looking like an idiot), or a self-imposed issue (e.g not practising often enough / not trying hard enough)?

Some non-ice aspects of my life have led me to think carefully about this subject this week, because I realised that my attitude ON the ice seems to me to be completely different to the attitude I take in pursuits off the ice.

Usually, if I want to do something and can't, I get determined. I WILL do it, if it's something I want, and I WILL practice my ass off until I can do it. You rarely hear the words "I can't" coming from my mouth; well, I do say it, out of a bad habit, but I never mean it. :-)

Three recent examples:

1) When I broke my wrist in October, I lost pretty much all movement in it. It was agony, but I worked and worked and worked at it to get back as much as possible.
Determination.

2) In our most recent off-ice class with Coach A (which we have once a fortnight), we did some skipping (i.e. with ropes). He asked if any of us could do a double skip (where the rope goes around twice with one jump). I tried and failed dismally. But the next day
, I tried again. And the day after, and the day after. Then I got it. A week or so later, I can pretty much do them every time I try.
Determination.

3) Partially inspired by Coach A's background, and partially because a friend wanted company, I started going to classes to learn basic Russian a few months back. We had a month or two of lessons once a week, then the classes were cancelled. But I had a liking for it by then, so I carried on trying to teach myself. And despite a couple of down moments where I decided it was too hard without a teacher, I carried on.

Of course, I made sure I got the most important phrases down pretty quickly:
Please.
Thank you.
I want wine.
Give me wine, please.
Where is the ice rink? :-)

Six months on, I regularly chat by email and on Facebook with three or four Russian friends I've made along the way, and can mostly string together a half-decent sentence. I can understand a fair bit of what I read and hear too.
Again, determination.

These things got me wondering why I don't seem to apply the same level of determination on the ice. Don't get me wrong, I practice hard, I skate as often as I can, and I regularly do exercises off the ice to improve my flexibility and strength etc. But deep down, I know I have the ability to be so much better at skating, if only I would just let myself really go for it. I hold back something chronic, and it really hacks me off.

Partly it's fear that I'll injure myself again, but that's not really the issue if I'm honest.

Going back to the Russian language for a moment - while I can write and read ok (and getting better all the time), speaking it is a different matter, and I've come to the conclusion that here is where I have the same issue as I have on the ice.

Fear of what people will think.

It's stupid, I know. But no matter how often I tell myself it's stupid, the psychological issue remains in my head. I take myself far too seriously and have always hated looking a fool. I think that's just how I've always been unfortunately. It's one part of me that I desperately wish I could change.
It's the reason I hate to dance.
It's the reason I'd never sing within anyone's hearing range, even though I love to sing.
It's the reason I find it really difficult to pluck up the courage to at least try to speak Russian with my friends, even though in my head I know the words.
And it's the reason I won't just throw myself full-force into jumps and spins, or even just go for a three-turn without slowing right down first.
It's damn depressing.

How do I fix it? I'd love to know. It's definitely not as simple as "just stop worrying about what other people think", because if it was, I'd have done it.

My one saving grace is lesson time. Most of the time, if Coach A tells me to do something, I do it (or at least try). The way I see it, your coach is lord and master, and if he/she tells you to go jump off a cliff, you ask which cliff. I guess that's the way I've been brought up, or just the way I am. Coaches are like teachers or any other person you should respect and look up to, so you obey unless there's a really, really good reason not to. The only time I seem to actually make improvements is lesson time, and there are things I'll do during lessons that I can't convince myself to try outside of lessons. It's kinda strange.

I think I need one of two things: A sports psychologist, or a lottery win, so I can just pay for lessons three or four times a week. Maybe then I'll start to improve!!